“The thing about an intimacy wall is that it always exists. It can be a monolithic giant in your life or it can be a hurdle. It’s up to you” Tammy Cunningham

Discipline, but not the spanking kind…

Relationship Tip #7: Discipline. No, I’m NOT talking about bondage and spanking. Think the way a Buddhist has the discipline of meditation or the body builder has the discipline of building her/his body. It’s self-discipline. We take our values, boundaries, and aspirations and turn them into the meditation of lives. We make them into a workout that we do everyday whether we like it or not. It’s about owning my values and walking the talk. I’m learning this all the time and deeper and deeper. It starts with getting really clear and then following that clarity. When I have a discipline I am steady and grounded in the moment. I am solid and connected as an Oak and it makes me someone that others can count on, and I can count of myself, because I know myself.

My best advice is to rock the boat

One time, I went to a customer service department to get help in resolving an issue.  The woman at the counter came around the counter and walked with me down the hall, making nice chit chat.  Then, once we were down the hall, she told me that the company appreciated me, yet they weren’t going to do anything to help me or resolve the problem in any way.  She wished me all the best and walked back to her customer service counter.  This is a strategy and frankly it didn’t work.  It left me feeling angry and manipulated.  I walked right back to the counter and asked for her manager, who also tried to walk me down the hall.  And now my complaint was more about the manipulative way that I was treated.  In the end, the company gave me what I had originally asked for, yet, I was left with this yucky feeling about being manipulated.  Despite years of customer loyalty to that company, I’ve never gone back.  This is the problem with having a strategy.

I’ve noticed that many of my clients call me in times of confusion and stress in their relationship and they’re looking for strategies.  They want to know how to change the situation, change the other person, change themselves.  All this instead of just having a relationship.  Instead of saying, doing or feeling what’s right in front of them.  I understand this completely.  It’s hard to rock the boat.   We get scared and mostly we are scared of these three things.  1.  The other person will be hurt.  2.  The other person will hurt us.  3.  It will cause damage that will never be undone.  So people do things like, have the conversation in their head and come up with the worst possible scenario.  Tell the person indirectly or passively aggressively.  Blame themselves.  Or, don’t take responsibility for themselves.

It means doing something most of don’t want to do, ever.  And that is lose control.  Or at least not be in control.  And that’s ultimately what a strategy is.  It’s controlling the situation for our own benefit and comfort.  And that is a relationship for one.

My very best advice is to rock the boat.  Say what you need to say, do what you need to do and especially feel what you need to feel.  Because when you operate from a strategy instead of being in relationship, you in a strategy.  It feels weird to be in a strategy.  It feels better to connect and get through things.

From the as-yet-unwritten big book of Auntie Tammy advice I give you this:

When my nephew was just a little tyke, I realized that he needed some guidance that was different from his parents, school and peers and so I started to relay some of my wisdom and things that I figured out along the way.  I hope it will serve you well as I know it has served myself and my nephew.

Life is about having a good time. Sometimes that means just having the best time possible in a truly crappy situation. And sometimes that means planning for future good times. But, the long and short of it is the same. Have a good time.

It works like this:  Say you’re doing something fun.  While you’re doing said fun thing…. have a good time.  Don’t nag your sister, or get pouty about “before” or something that hasn’t happened yet, or start demanding things that someone has already said “no” to.  Not because you’re being a good boy or girl, but because you’re focussed like a laser on having a good time.

Sometimes having a good time is helping someone who is having a bad time have a better time or at least staying out of the way and making your own good time.  This doesn’t mean you’re responsible for their good times.  You’re always only in charge of your own good times.

Sometimes you have to plan for a good time.  Example:  Friday is 3 days away.  If you get things done now, then Friday is the beginning of a mini-vacation.  If you don’t, and you just sulk away in procrastination, then no mini-vacation.  Which is equal to no good time.  So plan for your good times.

Having a good time is a verb, which means it’s a doing.  Some actively “do” things.  Participate at 100%, even if it’s sleeping, eating, reading or farting.  I don’t care what it is… you can have a good time when you participate.

And always know that good times are coming even when things have become totally craptastic.

Don’t let Facebook Break your heart and 10 other tips to healing a broken heart

Relationship Tip #15: What not to do when your healing your broken heart:
1. Don’t talk endlessly and analyze the facts and assumptions about the other person.
2. Don’t stalk them on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or keep their profile open to you so that they can randomly pop up in your newsfeed and ticker tape.
3. Don’t call their friends and family just to say “hello” and then inexpertly ask them for information.
4. Definitely don’t randomly rage at them on the phone, through text or email and especially in person.
5. Don’t go to places that they usually go, so you might “innocently” bump into them.
6. Don’t avoid your feelings, whatever they may be. And don’t avoid crying.
7. Don’t blame yourself for everything and say things like, “if I’d just done this or that better”, “I’m such an idiot” “I really f**ked up”
8. Don’t assume that you got played and that the other person was just out to hurt you for their own diabolical purposes.
9. Don’t jump into a new relationship in order to feel better about the last one.
10. Don’t hate the other person.
11. Don’t make this the reason you will never love again.
If you avoid this major pitfalls, you can heal your heart in a healthy way. And always, always, always forgive the other persona and forgive yourself.

Tantric Sex Trick

Relationship Tip #14: Wednesday is Hump day, which calls for a sex tip. Create passion through passionate breathing. Try this tantric sex trick.
1. When you’re with your lover choose one person to lead and the other to support.
2. The supporter will match the leaders breathing, and treat it as supported breathing. The leader breathes normally and the supporter watches how the leader breathes and breathes at the same time in the same way.
3. Maintain eye contact and keep touching each other.
You and your partner will be surprised by the depth of your arousal. You can do this during foreplay, love making or as afterplay (which might just be foreplay all over again).
Happy hump day.