“The thing about an intimacy wall is that it always exists. It can be a monolithic giant in your life or it can be a hurdle. It’s up to you” Tammy Cunningham
When my nephew was just a little tyke, I realized that he needed some guidance that was different from his parents, school and peers and so I started to relay some of my wisdom and things that I figured out along the way. I hope it will serve you well as I know it has served myself and my nephew.
Life is about having a good time. Sometimes that means just having the best time possible in a truly crappy situation. And sometimes that means planning for future good times. But, the long and short of it is the same. Have a good time.
It works like this: Say you’re doing something fun. While you’re doing said fun thing…. have a good time. Don’t nag your sister, or get pouty about “before” or something that hasn’t happened yet, or start demanding things that someone has already said “no” to. Not because you’re being a good boy or girl, but because you’re focussed like a laser on having a good time.
Sometimes having a good time is helping someone who is having a bad time have a better time or at least staying out of the way and making your own good time. This doesn’t mean you’re responsible for their good times. You’re always only in charge of your own good times.
Sometimes you have to plan for a good time. Example: Friday is 3 days away. If you get things done now, then Friday is the beginning of a mini-vacation. If you don’t, and you just sulk away in procrastination, then no mini-vacation. Which is equal to no good time. So plan for your good times.
Having a good time is a verb, which means it’s a doing. Some actively “do” things. Participate at 100%, even if it’s sleeping, eating, reading or farting. I don’t care what it is… you can have a good time when you participate.
And always know that good times are coming even when things have become totally craptastic.
Relationship Tip #3: Forgive people when they’re up against their intimacy wall. When your person (husband, wife, child, co-worker) has withdrawn in a variety of ways (on the computer, in a project, watching tv, just being silent or spending tonnes of time outside the house), it suggests that they’ve hit an intimacy wall. First rule don’t take it personally. It means they have gone as far as they can before they have to make a really big push to get through it. Second, acknowledge and encourage them in a loving way. “I miss you and I want you back.” Third, invite them back in: “It would feel good to go for a drive [or cuddle or prepare a meal together, whatever it is you had fun times doing]. Fourth, let go of expectations. It will often take awhile for the message to get through. Leave it with them and keep your heart open. You can’t push them through it, they have to go through on their own. This means letting go of being right and needing to control. And leads to the fifth point: take care of yourself. You have your own walls and limits. Make life good for you. Notice where you’re blocked and take care of it. It will change your energy and open people up around you.