Relationship Tip #8:
Dump your sad song play list. I love this quote from the movie High Fidelity (must watch, it’s just so damn good) about music and relationships, “What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?”
Declutter your collection people. Or at least make a list that is about being happy and fulfilled in love.
Relationship Tip #6: How to be a powerful communicator. Three very important rules. 1. Notice how you feel and make sure that what you say matches what you feel. Example: When you’re disappointed and you say “that’s ok”, when in fact, you feel disappointed. So the truthful answer is “I feel disappointed”. Don’t make a production of it. Just say the truth.
2. When someone says something that gives you the ickies, call the ickie out. This means, when someone says something that leaves you feeling guilty, embarrassed, discredited, angry.., instead of staying silent (which is what most of us do) or going into a big defence, or , say “That didn’t feel good” or event just “yuck”, or “ouch”
3. When you say something leave out any agenda, hinting, strategizing and drama. This means that if you want someone to do something, know something, be something to you or you’re simply pissed off…, you say it in a very clear way. And always from an “I” statement. As soon as you make someone else responsible for your feelings and desires you’re in drama territory.
Remember to talk responsibly, and as always, if you’ve bungled your way through it, let yourself off the hook and forgive yourself.
Relationship Tip #5: If you find yourself complaining about someone, or trying to figure out what they’re thinking or how to deal with someone to everyone but the actual person. This is you experiencing an intimacy wall. There are 3 really big reasons to push through this wall.
1. Complaining to others is detrimental to your relationship. If your person knew… they would feel betrayed. And they would be right. You are actively betraying that person. And further to that, you are actively betraying your relationship. There are 3 parties in each group of 2. You, them and the relationship. So, yes, this means you are also betraying yourself.
2. Unless you’re talking to a relationship guru, coach or a full-on psychic your complaint-mates really don’t have a clue. And neither do you. How often have you thought I can’t say this or that because it will they will say that or this… only to discover that you were wrong.
3. No one grows from this kind of experience. You may feel a little better, because you feel right or justafied. These are the times that you get to learn about your self and become a bigger person and go deeper into intimacy. You get to take responsibility. And everytime we get through these things, the relationship becomes deeper. EVERYTIME.
As always, if you have been doing this… forgive yourself.
Relationship Tip #3: Forgive people when they’re up against their intimacy wall. When your person (husband, wife, child, co-worker) has withdrawn in a variety of ways (on the computer, in a project, watching tv, just being silent or spending tonnes of time outside the house), it suggests that they’ve hit an intimacy wall. First rule don’t take it personally. It means they have gone as far as they can before they have to make a really big push to get through it. Second, acknowledge and encourage them in a loving way. “I miss you and I want you back.” Third, invite them back in: “It would feel good to go for a drive [or cuddle or prepare a meal together, whatever it is you had fun times doing]. Fourth, let go of expectations. It will often take awhile for the message to get through. Leave it with them and keep your heart open. You can’t push them through it, they have to go through on their own. This means letting go of being right and needing to control. And leads to the fifth point: take care of yourself. You have your own walls and limits. Make life good for you. Notice where you’re blocked and take care of it. It will change your energy and open people up around you.
Relationship Tip #1: Recently people have been asking me for advice on dating and relationship. Here’s one of my best tips… make sure you have a list of qualities. But it’s not what you think. It’s a list of qualities that you want to have, be and share in your life. Here’s a small sampling of my list: “I like feeling like I’m on a team. I want to be on team love.” Make sure it’s a list that you, and the person you’re attracting, can win at. If there are things on the list that are stretch for you… get stretching, learning and growing.